March 4th sucked!! And as bad days go, this was an exceptionally shitty 24-hour period… even by prison standards! Its one of those days, when I wish I could’ve just shut everything & everyone out and just completely shut down. Days when I miss the selfish-me, who didn’t give a fuck about anybody else’s feelings or about the loved ones I hurt. When I would put on those alcohol or drug-induced blinders, that allowed me to focus solely on my own selfish needs. Of course when I sobered up I’d always see the pain and destruction I caused, which would only make me hit the re-start on my alcohol and drug use… so I didn’t have to feel the guilt and shame of seeing the people I hurt. This just went to create more problems, that I’d try and drink and snort away… this is a truly vicious and unforgiving cycle!

I say this, cuz it’s been one of those days, with one stress slammed on top of another… the type of day, that I would’ve loved to numb up and wash away with a little powder-liquor therapy! But, that never actually led to fixing any of my problems… on the contrary, by the time my focus came back, I’d always find a couple more problems, that I didn’t have before I blacked-out. So, needless to say, that wasn’t my most effective coping mechanism!! And it never did – anyone – any good for me to just try and “not give a fuck”… it did, however, lead to high blood pressure, acid reflux and an insane level of anxiety that was capped-off with a dose of depression (fueled by a sense of failure & guilt)! Not to leave out the trail of pain, sadness & disappointment that I left in my wake! Trust me, I’m really never able to get far enough ahead of that to ever forget it… and I’m fortunate enough to have some people who keep it (super) real with me and won’t let me forget either! Lucky me, aye?!

This is the deal… it’s just been a shit-show lately, that’s been building and building until it finally reached its precipice! All I wanna do is be there and help… be present, even if only through a distant support. I would do anything humanly possible to try and fix things… but what I was reminded today was that the only/best thing I can do is be a receptacle for verbal bereavement! It doesn’t really feel good or do a lot to combat my depression… to be reminded how horrible a person I am for being in prison and not in the streets where I could actually help. Or being put in my place and reminded of my irrelevance and insignificance to anything happening outside these fences. But I’m not even trippin’, cuz I’ll be the bad guy and take the verbal beat-downs every single day, if that’s the only thing I can contribute to the situations. Although it’s when reality sets in and I see it’s all true… that I really feel like that piece of shit, I just finished hearing I was!

Like I said, this has been building lately… a combination of family issues outside these fences and an endless supply of b.s. inside these fences… it gets to feeling like a weight that’s crushing me slowly. I feel like I’m screaming on the inside and trying to break outta myself, while maintaining a consistent composure on the outside. Because, believe me, perception is reality in here and if I was to show the reality I’m dealing with internally, then I’d show a weakness and vulnerability that’s just unacceptable. On top of that… the inability to really make a difference or protect my loved ones, creates an immense feeling of frustration and inadequacy, that keeps me on the edge of snapping all the time! Fuck, I’ve literally had to stop myself a 1/2 dozen times, from smashing my tablet, whenever I miss something or auto-correct messed up my words tonight!
Even with all that, I’ve always been a good one to listen and willing to take the brunt of other peoples problems… like a sounding-board to vent on. I have no problem with that and at least I feel a usefulness from it. But, when I have years of shit stored inside me and the pile-on NEVER stops… where the hell is my release?? I’ve had a couple people over the years, who can take an edited version of the venting… I never would’ve gotten as far as I have without the ability for effective self-talk… but not many people really care enough to hear about all your shit, when they got too much shit of their own going on! Not to sound all “self-pitying”, but it’s hard to find many people who’ll really give a damn or care enough to sit and be your sounding-board.

So, here comes this opportunity and a faceless body to vent all my crap to… I’m still a little uncomfortable with going too deep about some things, but at least I can try and start to let it out. Maybe help me and maybe help someone else who feels what I’m going through… who knows, maybe no one will read it, but at least I saw a little clearer (for myself) what I’m feeling. And just like I wrote in my post on “Depression“… identifying and understanding are key, to trying to deal with the issue! Just like I understand that all the anger that’s being directed at me comes from the same frustration, pain, sadness and feeling of helplessness that I’ve been feeling… and knowing how I feel, I can only empathize. Especially since I know I’ve compounded the the pain, by not being there as support for the people I love, when life gets hard. Leaving them to face this shit all alone is another burden I have to carry with me… one that can get very heavy at times.

All I do know is that its been a couple shitty weeks, that came to a very shitty head today… that in reality has been building up for several shitty years! And with so many emotions still brewing inside, that’d been ignored and gone unchecked… this is just one bad fuckin’ day, in a long line of bad fuckin’ days to come!

I just hope tomorrow’s better?!

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