Once again, it’s like taking 2 steps forward and falling 3 steps back… this has been the same pattern my life’s been on, for way too long now! I feel like like I’m on a treadmill and no matter how much momentum I start to build-up… there’s somebody pressing the level-up on me, that just keeps it going a little faster than what I’m able to run! This seems to be the regular routine my life’s fallen into… I try and make greater strides, just to stumble over tougher terrain.
Really this has all been building back up, for a minute now. I mean, a lot of my recent posts have taken on a certain subject matter, that’d been on issues that have been bombarding me… either attacking me internally or from other external sources. A lot of this started after I really got into writing these posts. I was feeling good and feeling a purpose… this gave me an outlet and something new to focus my energy into. This had a positive effect on me and my general mood… a little better outlook on the day ahead, ya know. I just dove in head first… granted this was very new to me and something I was a bit unsure about still. But, everything seemed to be going good, on both ends of this situation… us writing in here and it being accepted out there. Of course, as life will do at times… the obstacles and struggles were beginning to pile-up and fall in the way. 1st off, we as prisoners always have to deal with the issues of censorship. Especially when utilizing, JPay email services, as the source for our correspondence. They’re very strict on what we send & receive in the e-messages, as well as the heavy restrictions set forth by the prisons themselves… cuz this gave the prison staff the opportunity to screen our outgoing mail and not just our incoming. So, trying to avoid “flagged words”, that will get the mail pulled and potentially rejected is a constant battle. Sadly, I’ve had mail for these posts censored going out and rejected coming in, simply for some “flag words”… without actually taking what’s being said into context. I would love to list them for you, but it would only go to have THIS mail stopped and potentially censored. Fuck, I already use enough speech, that’s gone on to hold up certain messages for a week or more… pending heavy scrutiny and review. But, that’s not even the issue… I’m use to all that! However, I did send out a post that was held up and censored, which led to the entire contact being removed, as well as my ability to access it. All my mail was deleted and all my previous mail was deleted with ZERO notice, explanation or even a word in regards to it. That was frustrating and felt a bit defeating at the time, cuz the entire idea was meant to have a positive vibe around it… that was my intent, for sure. And in return, it was briefly shut-down! Thankfully, that was corrected and now it’s just a bit of a dance, to try and stay within the lines that’d been set-out for us.
Recently though this also got banned on Facebook, for not complying with community standards… some shit like that?! You got hate groups, terror groups, other more nefarious individuals who’re pushing a very different & negative message… not to forget the people on Facebook Live, who commit heinous crimes and have it viewed live by any and all who have internet access… but a site about prisoners speaking from their perspective on all things in life “DOES NOT MEET COMMUNITY STANDARDS”. I would love to have the opportunity to speak to or even email Mr. Zuckerberg about this intelligent choice of content censorship!! Good job, buddy…
Then it was an endless barrage of drama and concern from home!! My daughter, who’s struggled with her own demons for years, is in a battle again… with herself; those same demons; “friends” who could give a fuck less about her best interest and; a family who loves her and ONLY wants the best for her! Now, if I just listened to her about how she’s doing… I’d feel happy and secure that she’s doing great and is in a good place. Of course, then I hear the other side, where I’m told ALL of it’s a lie and she’s doing horrible! I wanna believe the best, more than anything, but how do I? Especially when history tells me that I shouldn’t… of course if everyone paid attention to history, then people would still look at me the way they did 10, 15, 20 or 25 years ago. And I don’t even resemble that person anymore… maybe that’s why I wanna believe her so much, too?! I don’t know, but all I do know is that it’s the 1 thing that weighs on me every single day… and knowing I’m not there to help her is what makes the weight of it get heavier and heavier.
Then comes the daily wear and tear of dealing with prison and the high % of idiots in here… it’s one thing to have to think for myself and chart my own course through here, but to have to think for a couple hundred other guys (a few moves ahead), becomes a headache. Sometimes it feels like sitting down and playing chess, while the other guy’s playing checkers… some of these guys are literally THAT stupid! A lot of guys can’t think past “go” and walk around this place oblivious to where they are and what they’re doing… let alone how the things they do are gonna affect anybody else. On top of just normal stupidity and running through it like it’s an obstacle course… I also have to deal with SO MANY guys, that I’d NEVER deal with on a normal basis. Because I deal with a lot of guys on the for store shit (reference “store(y) days” post), I put myself in a position to have to interact with a lot more people than I would normally choose to. If I didn’t, then I could just avoid them or go to my cell and shut the door. The latter being a much more peaceful and stress-free option. Of course, it’s how I maintain myself in here rather than just be a continuous burden on my family. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to just chill and quit dealing with these guys and not have to keep dealing with these idiots. But, financially that’s not in the cards… so I just soldier on.
So, besides dealing with those people and the stress that will always accompany it… everything else is just one stressor after another. And, if you look back on my post on “Depression“, you’ll see that I don’t always handle this the best anymore. It would probably be hard for someone outside these fences and this life to understand the changes that’d taken place in here. From the pettiness that comes from staff towards us over the simplest rules… to the general attitude among prisoners, of being for self, over any sense of unity anymore. It’s just frustrating and definitely counter-productive to maintaining a positive outlook someday!
Then there’s just the cumulative effect of all these things and a 100 other smaller things (everyday), that go to fuel that same depression and anxiety… that refuse to let me go. It’s so messed up, ‘cuz every time I feel good about things and start to make some progress… BAM… I get a hard kick in the chest, that knocks me right back, like a reality check! That this is the REALITY I got right now… living in a shitty situation among shitty people, with shitty things happening outside these fences that I can’t really do shit about! Thats some shit, huh?!
But, this is just 1 day of so many days before, that I’ve always found the strength to get through… with a bunch more ahead of me, that I’m sure I’ll figure out how to get through as well! Of which, I’m sure I will write about a few along the way!!