I haven’t been wanting to write for numerous reasons, but one big one is because I didn’t want everything I write about to dwell on negativity but it seems like that’s almost all there is in here lately. I also want to do my best to write about what’s really going on in here, which is why I’m writing now.
Since I last wrote circumstances have deteriorated. There are now 12 positive cases in general population (GP) that we’ve been told about, and 2 guards from here have tested positive. The other day we had a guard work the quarantine unit on 1st shift, and then get assigned to work my unit on 2nd shift. The guard told me himself that he wasn’t supposed to be here because he had just came from the quarantine unit. I don’t know why he chose to come to GP knowing that he wasn’t supposed to. I understand that he has his job to worry about, but he should also have a responsibility to humanity and the well being of us in here. He has a union rep that I’m sure wouldn’t allow him to lose his job if he said that he wouldn’t work GP because he was in a quarantine unit for 8 hours.
On top of that, the administration got mad at him for letting us know. Not long after he let us know he wasn’t supposed to be here I overheard a conversation from the Lieutenant, RUM (Resident Unit Manager), and the Assistant Deputy Warden with each other saying that he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone and he was supposed to keep his mouth shut. The other guards working my unit at the time were pissed about it because he was potentially infecting them too.
Not long after that my unit ended up getting put on lockdown and 2 inmates were quarantined for showing symptoms. Luckily they tested negative and we were let off lockdown.
I know that I gave reference before to how this administration is supposed to be there to protect us and how they’re doing the exact opposite. I almost feel helpless because there’s only so much we can do from in here to try to stop things like that from happening. There’s nothing and nobody holding these people accountable for their actions, they’re doing whatever they want with disregard to the health of the prisoners. It’s made me think that they’re doing it on purpose, I’m not going to say that all guards are prejudiced against prisoners but the majority are and wouldn’t care or would even be happy to see us sick. I can only hope that other facilities aren’t being treated the same as us. It’s not good waking up everyday wondering if the guards or other staff working your unit are going to be the reason you get sick.
I normally have a stoic stand about what I have to deal with being in prison because for all the ways the courts did me wrong my actions still put myself in this position. I understand that I’m in here serving my debt to society for something I did and I can take responsibility for that, but being put forced to live in here and subjected to willful infection from the administration isn’t part of my sentence or even one of the things that are unintended consequences of being in prison.It doesn’t put me in a good mental state to know that administration isn’t doing their job responsibly. Being in prison already breeds a distrustful disposition, but when I have no reprieve from feeling like the people who control everything around me are trying to get us sick and cover it up because they know what they’re doing it just compounds the constant tension.
One of the ways that I normally decompress is to lift weights. They have the weight pit shut down to help prevent the spread of Covid. It’s not beyond me to be able to adapt and find other ways to try to maintain a healthy mentality, but these circumstances are unique and it’s been oppressive. I can normally find a way to try to make a positive out of a negative but i can’t see one. I would have liked to think that with more free time people would be more likely to reach out but that hasn’t happened. One thing that I’ve been working on is my emotional maturity and having to deal with all this also takes away from being able to concentrate on positive things.
It’s healthier just to stay in my cell. I’m not the most social person in the world as it is, but this hasn’t helped either. There’s 2 guys who have been helping me learn how to play Cribbage but besides that and checking my jpay I usually just read and watch TV in my cell. I’ve read 5 books over the past 2 weeks. I still go out to do push ups, pull ups, and abs but calisthenics aren’t the same as weight lifting.
For the first time ever, while being locked up I just want the time to go by. I’ve always done what I could to use my time productively in some way, shape, or form, but I’m just ready for this to be over with. It’s hindered every part of my everyday life that’s part of my routine. The courts are shut down so I can’t get anywhere with my legal process, the weight pit’s shut down, and my money’s been slow so I haven’t been making enough to do anything in the stock market. All my clothes are ironed and folded, all my dishes are washed, my room’s clean. There’s only so much I can do to fill my day right now.
If anyone has anything they’d like to talk about with me, I have plenty of free time so feel free to reach out at http://www.jpay.com. I’m open to answering questions you might want to know about me, or prison, or just general conversation and It’d be nice to have people to talk to and help me feel like my time’s not just being wasted. Who couldn’t use more friends? You never know where your interaction with someone might take you or what it might turn out to be.