I haven’t wrote anything in a while because I wanted my next post to be something positive. I’ve tried writing numerous times, to no avail. I’m not going to be fake about what I’ve been going through and I can’t make a positive post, so here’s some of what’s been going on with me.

I’ve been going through the hardest time of my life and its not because of covid or social distancing or any of that. my journey of personal growth has taken me down a road of allowing myself to have emotions in the hope of becoming emotionally mature. In all honesty being numb is easy but having and managing emotions is hard for me. Most people learn to deal with them over all the years that they’ve been alive. Well, my education was in being disciplined and not allowing anything to be dictated by emotion, to the point that most things only mattered to me if they were based off principle. its probably why its always been easy for me to physically harm people. Its always made more sense to me to hurt someone in a way that will heal in a few days to get my point across than to mentally and emotionally attack someone that’ll hurt their self esteem or make them depressed.

I think that a lot of people relate to each other through sympathy and empathy, and its an underlying reason why others can build bonds over having gone through similar experiences. I also think this is a reason why I don’t really have bonds with people. I value people not by being able to relate to them, but by being able to respect them. I’ve felt alone for a long time. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I’ve realized that in order to develop deep and meaningful relationships with people I need to be able to have my own feelings so I can understand what people feel and why. This really hasn’t been good for me so far. its caused me to be vulnerable and I don’t do well with vulnerability, which has caused me to be overly aggressive and hostile in situations that’s probably didn’t call for it in order to over compensate. Normally I’m humble, disciplined, and stoic, but I find strength in being a dominant alpha male so I’ve been like that to make up for having emotions.

Something else I’m coming to realize is that my pride and independence keeps people distant from me also. I have trouble accepting help from people. I feel like I should be capable of doing everything that I need to for myself, and if I can’t then I don’t deserve to have it. A wise person once told me that if someone wants to be there for you because they care then let them, because if you don’t then you take that away from them. people want to feel wanted and needed and if they don’t feel like they can contribute anything to the relationship then they feel useless. I can only imagine that I’ve made a lot of people in my past feel useless, when I never intended to. I take pride in being able to provide for myself and in my previous lack of understanding about the usefulness of feeling useful, all of my pride and independence was pushing people away.

These things that I’ve been working on have shook up some of the things that I derive a lot of my own self esteem and self respect from, which hasn’t been easy because its how I view myself.

I don’t have anyone that I feel comfortable effectively communicating what I’ve been doing to try to help me with it. its frustrating to want better for myself and try to take steps towards it and move myself out of my comfort zone, without having the resources to be able to do it. I think part of that is my sense of indepence though. they don’t offer mental help like that here, the only thing they offer is medication.

One of the other things about myself that I want to change is that everything in my life revolves around me being in prison to the point that I feel like my existence is defined by me being a prisoner. I feel like I’m constantly being judged because of where I’m at and it makes me uncomfortable talking to people who aren’t locked up, especially the guards and staff. I wish I had someone besides my parents that could come see me sometimes so I could work on being more sociable. Getting locked up for the first time in my teens and essentially learning how to become a man based on the ideologies of prison mentality has caused me to lose a lot of my personality and that’s something I’d like to try to get back.

I believe that anything worth having is worth working for. that being said I can only hope that what I’m working on leads to me being able to find and keep the kinds of relationships that I’m looking for and that’ll help me add value and depth to my life.

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