So, the last couple of months have been a struggle… my focus is all over the place and my motivation & drive have been running on fumes. It’s like I’m just moving around in a daze, stuck on autopilot. It’s been the cumulative effect of a depression that keeps me in its grip, along with the shut-down of all normal routines & activities inside the prison… on top of the fact, that I’m still sitting in prison! I’ve just felt like I was stuck in place and unable to break free… like being stuck in quick-sand, where the more you want to fight it… the deeper you sink in it! And this was becoming the reality of MY new normal.
Then, finally, I just woke up about 2 weeks ago and decided I was tired of the rut I’d been in for way too long and decided to actively change my day… and surprisingly it actually worked that day! Go figure… cuz there’d been 100’s of mornings I woke up, just being fed up with the knowledge of how the previous day went with the forethought of how that day was going to proceed. Yet, I seemed powerless to make any deliberate action to change the outcomes… that morning was different and it honestly felt different. I could feel an energy within myself, that almost felt foreign… being that I’d been in this energy-draining funk, for such a long time. I went and finished some mail I’d been putting off, wrote a post (which I’d started to lose focus on) and even went and got a long & very tiring work-out in. My whole outlook had begun to brighten up and my focus was getting more & more clear. It was like riding a bike… it was all coming back to me and becoming easier as I progressed thru my day. It’d even become possible to finally begin to set aside some of those thoughts & feelings, that I’d been holding onto for some years now… that refused to allow me to move forward with my life & my growth! Everything was beginning to feel better, as the mental & emotional barriers I’d created… fell away like dominoes.
But, just as this was beginning to take shape and actually feel like things were getting back on track… my progression was hit on 2 separate & very different fronts. 1st, I fucked up my knee, which currently has me as immobile as I can be… 2nd, (and even more crippling) I had an emotional bomb dropped on me, that my daughter was pregnant! This overwhelmed me for so many reasons… fear of how she’ll be able to provide and be responsible for another human-being, who’s 110% reliant on her for life! If you’ve followed any of my previous posts, you’d be aware that she’s had her own obstacles & demons she’s been afflicted with. Which is another huge concern I have for her and the fragile life shes carrying! But beyond my concerns for her and the life she’s unprepared to deal with or even fully understand… I also have a lot of my own internal issues, that I’m being forced to face right now. 1) failing her as the father I chose to be and promised to be, is my personal cross I’ve had to bear, for so many years! 2) missing so many major moments in her life, when she needed a father… both good & bad… to cheer her on, share in her happiness or comfort her pain! 3) realizing that I’m only going to continue to let her down, by missing out on her pregnancy and the birth of her 1st child… as I will continue to miss out on the other great & defining moments of her life!
It’s just very painful as I watch from a distance, as a spectator and stranger, onto a life that means more than my own and I continue to be reminded how quickly life moves past me as I sit behind these fences…. that it won’t stop or even slow down, no matter how hard I wish for it!
So, this is the new revelation that hit me and stopped my forward motion, like someone pulled the emergency brake, on my life! And I know its better to get started now than wait and put off, but I’m gonna give myself another week to start back up… at least on the exercising. As I said, I fucked my knee up and it isn’t bouncing back like I’d hoped. But I was watching something on TV the other day (couldn’t tell you what it was tho) and even tho the show wasn’t memorable, there was one thing that stuck with me… it was in regards to getting off your ass and doing something. They had said that you can either keep saying “one day” or just get to it and make it “day one”. And I really wanna try to adapt that philosophy into going forward. I realize I’m gonna always have obstacles and barriers dropped in my path, but instead of allowing them to stop or alter my progression, as I’ve done up to this point… I’m gonna work to consistently and effectively overcome whatever lands in my path, to achieve a successful outcome!
So in short.… life got kinda dark & shitty for a while… then a lil light shown thru and things began to look brighter… a couple bumps and a lil more shit… but in the end I got a much better perspective with much more positive expectations.
So as of today, its “Day 1” in my pursuit of a new and more positive normal!