My legal work still isn’t done. Almost every time its about to be finished there’s new revisions to be made, case law to be added, or a new issue to bring up. I also have to rely on someone else who has a type writer to type it up for me and they’ve proven to be less than reliable on their timeliness. So I don’t have the relief of knowing its taken care of yet. But that’s not the main point of this post.

If you’ve read my other recent posts, you’ll know that I was on a good path and felt like I was growing in the ways that I wanted to grow but it seems like for every step I take forward, something happens to set me back.

I’ve been reminded about part of the reason why I’ve felt alone for so long. its hard to find honest people. It seems like everyone plays games, lies, and has ulterior motives in doing what they can to get what they want. Even though its not how I am, I try to understand why people are like that.

I know that people don’t look at a lot of things the same way that I do, and it’s not to say I’m right and they’re wrong or vice-versa. I have an extreme sense of independence and that makes it so I don’t look to anyone for much, but most people do look to other people for what they want and they usually don’t know how to go about getting it without manipulation.

I guess for me, the ends don’t justify the means for most things. This is relevant to me because some people I would have liked to have thought had more respect for me as a person and for my intelligence, have tried to manipulate me recently.

It was passive, but it’s also still dishonest. It sucks to learn that you can’t trust people. but there’s a piece of wisdom that I try to keep in mind for situations like that and it goes : “Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. When you are immune to the actions and opinions of others you wont be the victim of needless suffering.”

Even in a situation that’s mutually beneficial to both parties, both sides have a reason to tolerate less that desirable characteristics from others if what they get out of it is worth dealing with them. I don’t have those reasons to deal with people. Being reminded how hard it is to trust people is both good and bad.

It reminded me how untrustworthy most people are, but it also put feeling alone into a positive perspective for me. alone isn’t bad if I can’t find trust anyone and I refuse to play games. For the past week or so, it made me take a step back and think things through.

It made me turn back in on myself and be introverted because I don’t have anyone that I feel comfortable enough reflecting on something like this with but after taking some time with it, I think it was my own lack of awareness and almost eagerness to want to feel that I could be close with someone that

I wasn’t critical enough about who I was allowing myself to deal with. It seems like the only thing I really look for from people is honesty, and that it eludes me. I don’t expect anyone to be perfect. we all have flaws, myself included.

Because I felt like I was on a good path, I was happy. Happy like I haven’t been since before I got locked up the first time. I felt like I was accomplishing something positive and important for myself. I had also felt like I found someone who just naturally complimented what I was working on with myself.

Up until the point I found out that they were untrustworthy, everything was organic and fit perfectly. Am I asking too much to want to trust people? Am I causing myself this unnecessary disappointment because I have standards?

It seems like the only time I can have expectations of anyone is if there’s fear as motivation. Should I be more strategic and start looking at things more as what I can gain from them? Maybe that way I’ll have more reason to deal with people and be able to overlook certain things because I can get something out of them.

Just because I have interactions with people doesn’t mean I have to let them in or be close to them, there’s levels to how I can allow people into my life. I tend to be an extremist in the things I actually believe in, but maybe that’s part of my problem. I try to be understanding of things that I don’t necessarily agree with or that I don’t think are right for me

We all have our own way of looking at things and while there are universal truths, we still have to figure out what works best for each of us.

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