Well, it’s been over a month since my last post, and a whole lot has transpired in the last 30+ days!
In my attempt, to stay open & transparent with my life — good AND bad — I wanted to give a little clarity to what’s been going on… the changes that’ve taken place… and some of the issues that I found (extra) time to reflect on. Of course I will surely go a little more in depth — in following posts — but right now I can give a little bit of a foundation for those future posts.
I was just released from the “hole” (aka segregation), on Monday night (11/2). I spent 30 — of the longest — days I’ve had in a very long time, sitting in the hole. It was one of those times I’d written about, where I’d allowed the negativity — that’s ever-present — or at least poor judgement to trip me me up. With one slip in judgement and one stupid decision, all the efforts and hard-earned strides I’d made on a positive path were — quickly & violently — snatched away… in multiples!
Now, without trying to minimize, rationalize, or justify the the events of the past month or so — or writing something that will get my mail censored OR be used in future “proceedings” — I’ll say this much: I made a spur-of-the-moment decision, that — in my mind — could eliminate a potential future complication. I’ve been around long enough and seen more than enough, to know what can become an issue, or change the attitude of any prison yard. BUT, regardless of all that, I also knew a good decision from a bad one, and I clearly chose the latter! And for that, I received the consequences that come along with some of the poor choices that can be made in prison.
Ok, so since going to the hole I really came to the understanding that that particular part of this prison-life is not for me anymore! This was by far the MOST difficult time I’ve ever done in the hole!! There was a time when I would look at some hole-action as a BREAK from the tensions and stressors, that encompass the prison yards, as a time to relax, read some books, and get some peace-of-mind… A “vacation” from the realities of a hectic-life. BUT those days — apparently — are LONG, LONG gone!!!
Regardless of a stupid-decision. and a designation to segregation, it was never more evident to me that I am not the same person I was a few years ago. This incident also was a good reminder of just how easy it is for me to lose footing, on my new path. Because 1-misstep just caused me to slide-back 10-steps — or more — easily!
As bad as this shit seemed, I always want to try and take something positive outta every situation and/or gain from every experience — otherwise it just becomes wasteful and useless. At first that wasn’t the easiest of tasks, because I had a lot of anger — mostly with myself — that I had to deal with. But then, I did start to get a grip on the situation, which allowed me to see some of the flaws I still needed to address, within myself. I saw how I’d begun to get complacent with myself and careless with my decision-making… areas I need to re-focus my energy to work to change. I’d also got a very harsh reminder, of just how I’m still viewed by others around me… not just by staff, who CLEARLY only saw me as the “bad guy” still, but also by the gossip-community of the prison-yard.
As I said previously, it really doesn’t matter the ‘whys’… a WRONG decision, followed by the WRONG action is always just WRONG. And that’s what I’m answering for now! I did try to really reflect on things, to really see where I need to put my focus & energy… to my own surprise, I had quite a bit more to work-on than I wanted to believe. I also know that the ground I lost will — undoubtly — be that much harder to regain this time, at least if history proves correct it will!
One of the other things that I did was go back and re-read my last post “Walking a New Path…” and saw the stark contrast of the recent events, in comparison to what I’d been writing about just over a month ago! But it does — also — go along with what I’d written there, about how I’m clearly no “saint” and even with all the focus and energy I’ve put into working on myself and finding my new path… I STILL have — a lot — further to go. But, I’d never expected this journey to have a finish-line — it wasn’t a race to get finished — rather a more continuous and evolving life’s journey, one that I have a more re-newed perspective on… where some of my short-comings and my strengths lie.
I would love to change people’s perceptions of me — this probably set that back considerably — but I also have to remember that at the end of the day any changes I make were intended for myself anyways. But with time, effort, and consistency anything is possible. And one thing I have a lot of — in here — is time, combined with a re-newed drive and focus.