So far I’ve been in here about 7 weeks. I still haven’t been able to get any of my property, even though I was supposed to get certain “allowable segregation property”. They haven’t even let me get any of my books which really sucks. The only thing I have got is my Jpays.

Per policy whenever we get a Jpay sent to us they’re supposed to print them off and give them to us within 2 days, if we don’t have access to the kiosk. It only took them 5 weeks to start giving me mine. Lucky for me someone sent me a puzzle book and every once in a while I can find a guard that’s willing to pass books so I can have something to read.

It took a few weeks but I finally got all my legal work also. I’ve put together a lawsuit from past issues that I’ve wrote about already and I’m almost ready to file. I’m still waiting to hear from the courts for a decision on my motions in my criminal case. I realized something after reviewing my motions and the information I presented.

One of the main issues that I had was that they never proved my intent to murder (because I wasn’t trying to kill him) so I was looking to get resentenced to a lesser charge which would allow me to get time served and go home immediately. However, even if I don’t end up getting resentenced to the lesser charge as long as they take off the sentencing enhancement and re-score my sentencing guidelines to the what they should be the most that they can sentence me to is 10 years which is less than 2 years away.

Obviously being in here gives me time to think. There are some sub-conscious reasons for the way that I am that I’ve come to have a better understanding of after long deep critical analysis. One of the main reasons why I dealt with…well what seems like almost everything, was from guilt.

From being sick as a kid and none of the doctors or specialists being able to figure out what was wrong with me it not only almost bankrupted my parents but it was a huge mental and emotional burdened on them and I felt guilty for it. I know it wasn’t my fault for any of it, but it wasn’t their fault either and had it not been for me they could have lived better quality lives.

The constant feeling of guilt for knowing that I was the reason why they suffered led me to 2 things: First, it made me angry and second, it made me detached.

The anger came first because it wasn’t fair to anyone what my family and I had to go through. It wasn’t fair that I was born screwed up and had to deal with everything I did. It wasn’t fair that my family had to live a restricted lifestyle and be constantly concerned with my health. Not to mention all the frustrating doctors and specialists visits that were useless because they could never figure out what was wrong with me.

When most people have problems they tend to take it out on those closest to them, so who got to deal with my anger? My family.

I’ll admit that it was selfish of me but when you’re young and dealing with something like that you don’t really stop to think about it, at least I didn’t at first. Eventually though, in my early teens, I realized that my anger wasn’t helping anything. I couldn’t articulate it the same way at the time but the anger was a secondary emotion and was a reaction to the feeling of guilt so what I did was compartmentalized the guilt and stopped caring by becoming detached from my feelings.

If you’ve read some of my previous posts some of the have to do with my journey and dealing with emotions and trying to grow. I’d like to think I’ve finally figured out the root problem and with that I’ll be able to find the right way to start healing so I can resolve these internal issues.

It’s been a struggle holding onto the progress that I have made since I came to the hole. It’s times like this when things are hard that being detached is the most effective way to make it through those times and I’ve been fighting it. I’ve been developing some meaningful relationships that I value and don’t want to throw them away because I start not caring because of a hard time.

From the people who were never supposed to walk out of my life that did it made an impact and my default thought process is that everyone’s going to leave, which makes cutting people off and detaching myself pretty easy.

Plus from all the time I spent by myself when I was sick it made being alone my comfort zone. A lot of the way I see things has been molded by the hard times I’ve had to overcome. Instead of being miserable because of things I can’t control I adapted and learned how to make positives out of negatives, and turn my weaknesses into strengths.

I’ve come to realize that since I know how to be alone and independent, anything more than that is a plus. I don’t have to shy away from interacting with certain people just because I’m comfortable being alone. I’ve found a couple people who are good friends to me and I value their friendship enough that I don’t want to shut them out by going back to dealing with things the way I used to.

I’ve also got a girl that I’ve been talking to for a couple months. I felt like we were building a solid foundation but me coming to the hole has put a huge strain on us. She’s already put some distance between us and unfortunately me coming here might ultimately be the end of us.

She’s expressed how not being able to talk to me has effected her and if I end up having to do a few more months in here I don’t know if she will stick around for that long. I guess if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. I hope it’s over though, she makes me happy and we’ve gotten along great so far. I’m working on doing what I can to keep her around.

Even though nothing’s guaranteed, I see some potential and it’s worth at least trying to make it work, especially when it’s my fault that we’re struggling.

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